I’m embarrassed to even be typing the word “ick.” Is this the end of my professional persona? Or maybe it’s the beginning of my embrace of Gen-Z terminology (after years of defiantly saying that being born in 1996 makes me a millennial). Either way, this trivial concept snuck its way into the heart of Christian dating interactions, and its presence is more pernicious than we realize.
For those of you who have been blissfully offline or blessed with dates who don’t mind your obsession with punk rock, you might not know what I’m talking about. But for those who’ve waded through the muck of ghosting, perpetual one-date-only “situationships,” and general TikTok dating advice, you know all too well that “the ick” looms large. And it can pop up at any time, ending your chances faster than you can even say “ick.”
The phenomenon can be explained as simply as this: The ick is a sudden, disproportionate aversion toward someone you were previously interested in. Often, it’s triggered not by genuine incompatibility, but by an ordinary human moment that shatters the idealized image of that person. From what I’ve seen, it’s most common for women to “catch” the ick from men rather than vice versa.
The most common example I’ve been given from female friends is this: “imagine the guy you’re dating has to chase a ping-ping ball that bounced off the table, immediate ick.” Yes … the offenses are clearly serious, and the punishment swift and unforgiving.
Ick examples have become so extensive, that man online started humorously speculating that just getting out of bed in the morning might be enough to condemn them. And they’ve made lists of the plethora of obscure icks that women share online. It’s a long list. The humor ends quickly though when we see a world of anxious people, scared to put themselves out there, fearing rejection based off the smallest innocuous detail. And that lends itself to the reality that Gen Z is dating less and marriage rates are down. Neither of these things are good for individuals or Western civilization writ-large.
I would like to add a caveat here, as I recognize the vast majority of people adhering to this superficial aspect of dating, are not serious Christians looking to find a God-fearing partner that they can build a life with.
Acknowledged. However, just because Christians didn’t start this parade, doesn’t mean they haven’t joined it.
Modern dating is nowhere to be found in scripture, but it gives us everything we need: a posture, boundaries, and a way of treating one another. Peter called us “sojourners and exiles” in this world (1 Peter 2:11-12). Likewise, Paul reminded the Romans to “… not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” (Romans 12:2). But as Christians, are we setting ourselves apart in the world of dating? Or are we all to easily fitting right in to this foreign land?
It’s clear to me, as I hope it’s clear to you, that Christians should only be pursuing other Christians in the dating world (2 Corinthians 6:14). If there’s disagreement there, I think there are bigger theological issues we should be tackling than “the ick.”
The other foundation we need to agree upon to have a nuanced discussion of dating is that the person you’re dating is a brother or sister in Christ, and should be treated as such (Matthew 12:50).
I don’t want this piece to be condemning. Searching for a someone to marry is arguably one of the most difficult and soul-refining tasks set before us. Encouragement should come from an all-knowing, loving God who is using that refinement to shape us more into His image.
And with that warm feeling freshly rekindled inside of us, let’s get over ourselves and get to work, following the path He’s laid out.
This part of dating, the defining of who to date and how you should treat them, isn’t the difficult part. I’ve already mentioned the steps.
Step 1: Don’t date someone who isn’t a Christian. Don’t be unequally yoked.
This is the one time that you have a pass to get “the ick.” If you’re dating someone and you find out they’re not laser-focused on pursuing the Lord, that should produce in you “a sudden, disproportionate aversion toward [that] someone you were previously interested in.”
Step 2: Treat the person you’re dating like a brother or sister in Christ.
Ghosting is not treating someone like a child of God. Objectifying someone is denying someone’s inner worth. And getting “the ick” might just be valuing a romanticized version of a person above the actual human made in the image of God.
This doesn’t mean that there are no preferences in dating, that we’re bound in marriage to the next person we stumble upon that has a pulse and recites the Nicene Creed. It means that we need to have the backbone to overlook someone’s idiosyncrasies, in search of their true character.
If you like someone, but you’re worried at any moment you might get “the ick,” I worry that might be a far more sinister trait in you, than chasing down a ping-pong ball awkwardly.
