G.K. Chesterton, a prolific writer, intellectual giant, and defender of the Faith passed down much wisdom to the Christian church, but perhaps none so practical, yet unrecognized, as the truths drawn from his own personal life through his marriage to his wife, Francis.
In his proposal to her, Chesterton penned, “But there are four lamps of thanksgiving always before him. The first is for his creation out of the same earth with such a woman as you. The second is that he has not, with all his faults, ‘gone after strange women.’ You cannot think how a man’s self restraint is rewarded in this. The third is that he has tried to love everything alive: a dim preparation for loving you. And the fourth is – but no words can express that. Here ends my previous existence. Take it: it led me to you.”
Certainly, this confession of love is both breathtaking and eloquent, but it also conveys valuable insight on how to love well, a love that is not limited to the marriage altar, but extends beyond to our neighbors.
In the first lamp of thanksgiving, Chesterton emphasizes his adoration of Francis and for God’s mercy in creating him from the same earth as her. His exclamation teaches us much about the dignity and respect that we should have for one another. In a world poisoned with the evils of pornography, objectification, and self-centeredness, it is increasingly difficult to see someone for their soul – as someone created in God’s image – and not just for their physical body. In his jubilation, Chesterton demonstrates his admiration toward his love as a marvelous creation of God’s.
With the second lamp of thanksgiving, Chesterton acknowledges his loyalty toward her and self-control over his flesh. In our fallen world, all of humanity is living underneath a curse that perverts the sexual nature that God has ingrained in His creation. Through this passage, Chesterton teaches us that self-restraint is a difficult battle – but it comes with an ultimately worthy reward.
The third lamp, which I’d argue is the most profound, is that Chesterton practiced the art of loving everything in preparation for loving his wife. He gets to the heart of the matter in proclaiming that eros, romantic love, will be all the richer if a lover diligently practices other forms of love, such as: agape, love for God, philia, love for friends, and storge, love for family. This concept directly stems from the Greatest Commandment Jesus gives in Matthew 22: 36-38:
“‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’” He said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”
As Christians, the whole purpose and joy of life can be found in obeying this command, in loving both God and man. In fulfilling this ideal, one can prepare to be a better lover by loving the rest of God’s creation.
Chesterton emphasizes in other works that, “Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all!” He contests the secular definition that love is an emotion. Instead, he asserts that love is more a virtue and spiritual discipline than anything else. This is an important observation in light of St. Paul’s admonition that those who are married will face many worldly troubles that a single person will not.
If God calls one to marriage, it will be an inevitably arduous road to tread. By exercising the muscle of love, whether that be toward the messy roommate, pessimistic co-worker, demanding widow, antisocial classmate, annoying child, argumentative family member, or moody cashier, one can better love a spouse when they too are messy, pessimistic, demanding, antisocial, annoying, argumentative, or moody. One should also look for a future spouse who is equally loving and gracious to others, for we too will exercise the negative traits that we find so horrifying in others!
Regarding the first part of the Greatest Commandment, one is also called to love God above all else. This includes moments when we feel emotionally numb and “not in the mood.” Thankfully, our faith and obedience are not based on emotion, as our feelings are often fickle and not reflections of reality. God’s faithful love to us is, on the other hand, everlasting and longsuffering.
Just like any relationship on earth, our devotion to God and love for Him is also a choice. The more we choose to love God on the good, bad, and ugly days of our lives, the better too can we love a spouse.
If obedient, the Greatest Commandment can multiply grace in our lives to make us a better spouse. But this benefit cannot be the primary motive, as I’m sure Chesterton would agree. The end of fulfilling the Greatest Commandment is not our own satisfaction to view ourselves as holy or even to become a better spouse but rather to give God the honor, glory, and love He’s due. In the process of obedience, we’ll find ourselves more like Christ and in turn, making us better at loving others – whether a friend, a child, or a spouse.
Regardless of whether one is called to marriage, we are all called to the marriage supper of Christ, as He desires all of us to be His bride, through His Church. Lest we never forget that God has the highest and most fulfilling love to offer us in this life, of which Chesterton calls Christianity a love affair.
We must find contentment in the Greatest Commandment, loving God for God alone, and if it is His will for us to marry, then we will certainly be all the better for the love we gave to others.
