Aaron stared at me dumbfounded.
“I’ll be praying for you,” I repeated.
“Well… thanks man, I really appreciate that.”
Aaron, the cashier at Chipotle, had just shared how stressed he was about his upcoming exams. While he was shocked at my response and subsequent question regarding his studies, I was not in the least surprised at his reaction. Frankly, it’s uncommon nowadays – even unthinkable – to interact meaningfully with strangers, especially in restaurants where people apathetically treat each other like economic units providing or purchasing goods and services.
Albeit an awkward encounter, Aaron and I are now familiar with one another’s lives. We see each other once a week and enjoy brief conversation.
I am happy to say that Aaron and I are acquaintances.
“Acquaintance” is a dirty word in America today. Amid the rise of the “friend” category on social media, “acquaintance” seems to be an inferior, even degrading label. Why would anyone want to be a mere acquaintance? Yet this modern conception is far from the truth. Acquaintanceship has historically been one of the pillars, indeed the very foundation, of American society.
But what is acquaintanceship?
Acquaintanceship is simply a familiarity with someone, usually through habitual interaction. Acquaintanceship is a similar, yet finer form of Aristotle’s utilitarian friendship because while acquaintances receive mutual benefits from one another, their relationship is not purely transactional. It’s not as deep as a friendship, but could be called “political friendship,” as it necessitates a recognition of the other’s personhood and is nonetheless a valuable relationship which plays a vital role within societies.
To repair social bonds, save civic society, and ultimately preserve the Republic, Americans must relearn and master the lost art of acquaintanceship.
Aristotle believed that the good city was founded on friendship. Alexis de Tocqueville agreed and further declared that the unique, self-governing associations of American political society were the direct result of friendship. The name, Philadelphia, or the city of “brotherly love” in Greek, represents the incorporation of this founding ideal into civic life.
Yet, Aristotle, Tocqueville, and our nation’s Founders assumed – dare I say, took for granted – that acquaintanceship exists as a precursor to friendship and associations. In their defense, it was unthinkable to consider the non-existence of acquaintanceships.
Sadly, however, the common acquaintanceships developed between citizens in our society, such as mailmen and homeowners or grocers and families, are today growing extinct. Atomization has replaced them. Isolated Americans amidst the “loneliness epidemic,” are devoid of any familiar encounters with neighbors or fellow community members. These rootless men and women engage with the outside world as individuals, not persons. It is no surprise that our countrymen express their lack of community, for no one is acquainted with one another.
Rather, a perverse friend-alien distinction dominates the American mind. Modern man in the public square categorizes individuals into two groups: friends or strangers – those they take an interest in and those to whom they show a cold indifference. There is no in between; acquaintanceships have ceased to exist.
Alexis de Tocqueville prophesied the coming of this depressing day in America when he wrote this:
“I see an innumerable crowd of like and equal men…withdrawn and apart… like a stranger to the destiny of all the others…as for dwelling with his fellow citizens, he is beside them, but he does not see them; he touches them and does not feel them; he exists only in himself and for himself alone… he no longer has a native country” (Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America, 663).
But why did Tocqueville’s prophecy prove true? How did acquaintanceship in America die?
Historically, the public environments of America promoted and even necessitated the formation of acquaintanceships. Our forefathers built cities and towns on a human-scale with ordered streets and walkable distances, providing natural interaction between residents, store-owners, tourists, neighbors, and citizens.
In contrast, the very landscape of our physical society since the mid-twentieth century inhibits the formation of organic relationships. Post War developers designed the suburbs for automobiles and efficiency. Ray Oldenberg’s “third places,” or community venues other than one’s work or house (like a hairdresser, pool, or restaurant) required travel by car and thereby do away with consistent interactions during walking commutes. It’s hard, to say the least, to interact with others from behind the steering wheel.
Yet, although acquaintanceships can exist in suburbia today, sociologist Robert Putnam’s extensive studies reveal Americans increasingly choose to get their meals at drive-thru fast food joints over sit-down bars, luncheonettes, and other restaurants: a sure sign of the deterioration of acquaintanceship.
Even more at fault for the loss of acquaintanceship is technology. Why would you spend precious time speaking with the florist or cashier when you could buy flowers or groceries on Amazon? A simple push of the button is much easier than interacting with another human. Why drive and pay to see a movie at the theatre with neighbors, when you could watch Netflix on your couch? Why hang out with friends at the local diner when you could text them from your house?
Digital technology’s all-encompassing nature transcends the physical limitations of ages past and negates the “need” for face-to-face human interaction.
But, if Americans continue to lose acquaintanceship, we will lose our way of life. Its loss inhibits the formation of friendship, leading to the deterioration of the self-governing associations of America built on neighborly interaction. To lose associations, as Tocqueville would affirm, is to lose the core of our political system, the very institution and culture of our cherished liberty.
Perhaps more importantly, the decline of acquaintanceship leads to a loss of love. To be acquainted with someone is to take an interest in them, pray for them, speak with them, and take time out of our busy schedules to recognize the existence of another person. Acquaintanceship is to obey the words of the Lord Jesus Christ: “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Mark 12:31).
“So Aaron, how’d fishing go?” I asked as I received my food at Chipotle. He expressed his discontent with this weekend’s catch. I wished him a better outing next time. I knew I’d see him again next week, just like normal. You see, Aaron and I are acquaintances. We interact with one another in a third place as members of the same community.
You want to save the Republic? You want to love your neighbor? Make acquaintances.
